The Hard Truth About Personalization: When Your Feelings Aren’t Always the Full Story
Have you ever walked past a group of people laughing and immediately assumed they were laughing at you? Or felt slighted when a friend didn’t text back right away, thinking you must have done something wrong? If so, you’re not alone. These are classic examples of personalization, a cognitive distortion where we take things too personally, even when they have nothing to do with us.
While personalization is a natural response, especially for those with attachment trauma or heightened sensitivity to rejection, it can become a harmful habit that fuels anxiety, insecurity, and relationship struggles. The good news? You can retrain your brain to break free from this pattern. Here are three powerful practices to help you stop personalizing and start seeing situations for what they really are.
1. Stop Filling in the Blanks with Worst-Case Scenarios
Our brains love to create stories. When we don’t have all the information, we naturally fill in the blanks—often with self-doubt, insecurity, or past experiences of rejection. Let’s say your friend hasn’t texted back in hours. If your go-to thought is They must be mad at me instead of They’re probably busy, that’s personalization at work.
How to Shift This:
Pause and Fact-Check: Ask yourself, What actual proof do I have that this is about me? Most of the time, the answer is “none.”
Consider Other Possibilities: Could they be overwhelmed with work? Did they get distracted? Maybe they just forgot. Life happens.
Try Restructuring: Instead of thinking they’re ignoring me, try I don’t have enough information to assume anything right now.
This simple habit can save you from unnecessary stress and overthinking.
2. Strengthen Emotional Regulation
When we take things personally, our emotions tend to hijack our reasoning. This is because personalization triggers the limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for emotional responses and threat detection. The more we personalize, the more we reinforce emotional reactivity, making it harder to separate feelings from facts.
Practice Nervous System Regulation:
Grounding Exercises: Engage your senses—focus on the feel of your breath, the texture of an object, or the sounds around you to bring yourself back to the present.
Breathwork & Mindfulness: Slow, deep breathing can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing emotional intensity.
Cognitive Reframing: Instead of reacting impulsively, take a step back and remind yourself: “This might not be about me.”
By strengthening emotional regulation, you’ll gain the ability to pause, process, and respond rather than immediately personalizing situations.
3. Strengthen Your Sense of Self
The less secure we feel within ourselves, the more we seek validation from others—and the more we take things personally when that validation doesn’t come.
If personalization is something you struggle with, ask yourself:
Do I often look to others for reassurance?
Does my mood depend on how other people treat me that day?
Do I assume the worst when someone is distant or quiet?
If yes, you’re not alone. We all do this to some degree. But over time, it drains your energy and makes you dependent on things you can’t control.
How to Shift This:
💛 Work on Self-Validation:
When you catch yourself needing external reassurance, try offering it to yourself first. Say, I am okay. I am enough, even if someone else is acting differently today.
🌱 Strengthen Your Identity:
Who are you outside of how others perceive you? What makes you feel grounded, worthy, and fulfilled? Pour energy into those things—whether it’s a hobby, your values, or simply showing up for yourself every day.
🔗 Build Secure Relationships:
If you have people in your life who constantly leave you feeling uncertain or like you have to “prove” yourself, it might be time to set boundaries or surround yourself with people who feel safe and consistent.
The Bottom Line: Not Everything is About You (and That’s a Good Thing!)
This isn’t about dismissing your feelings. Your feelings are valid. But they aren’t always accurate. And living in constant personalization mode is exhausting—it puts pressure on you to control things that were never yours to carry.
So here’s the truth… People are allowed to have bad days. They’re allowed to be busy. They’re allowed to act in ways that have nothing to do with you. And that’s actually freeing.
If you’re tired of feeling emotionally drained by overanalyzing interactions or constantly questioning yourself, therapy can help. At Revive Counseling & Consulting, we help people rewire these patterns using trauma-informed, nervous system-based approaches like EMDR, somatic therapy, and parts work.
Ready to feel more secure and less reactive? Let’s talk!
📍 Explore Therapy at Revive: www.healwithrevive.com
📅 Schedule a Consultation: Click Here
-References-
Schore, A. N. (2019). Right brain psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
